B Grade Reserves: Round 5
Taylors Lakes 16-20-116 def. Keilor Park 3-8-26

Lambs to the slaughter at Lionheart Reserve.

“Timid” was how one pundit saw it, “Insipid,” said another, “Piss poor” fumed KP stalwart Phil Jeffreys when informed of the news of the shellacking that the magoos received at the hands of new ladder leaders Taylors Lakes.

Things did not bode well from the start with “Blanket” Benny Carland pulling out late with work commitments at the 11th hour leaving a gaping hole in the Devil’s backline.

“How he had the gall to show his face at the match after the loss is beyond me,” sibling Joe “Dirt” Carland spat. “He let his team mates down and it isn’t good enough. I mean, I’m family and used to the disappointment, but to let down your mates… I can’t say anymore. I am without words. Wordless even… Speechless… Dumbfounded… I don’t want to discuss this anymore… Enough.”

Some punters speculated that the upcoming social event “Mr. KP” was to blame, with some players going missing during the match it was suggested that they were trying to keep themselves beautiful for the upcoming pageant.

Coach Marco Costello, fed up (courtesy of his player sponsor “Pasta Al Dente”) with the condition of the ground stated, “Taylors Lakes is a bit of an oxymoron isn’t it? I mean, obviously this place hasn’t seen any water since man climbed down from the trees. I should have thrown a bucket and spade out there on the flanks and some of those blokes might have accomplished more today.”

Lewy Crofts was half tempted to unleash his game plan of getting in front and then burying the ball and sitting on it for the rest of the game until the clock ran out. One suspects he might have tried it, had KP managed to hit the lead at all.

Brother and perennial sore loser, Henry Crofts, concurred, claiming that “If you marked X’s all over the ground in the sand those dimwits would be digging all day.”

The frustrated junior Crofts was busy making friends on the sidelines during the match, when queried about his relationship with his fan club his official statement was “I think at some point I dated most of their sisters.”

Although (bar perhaps the first quarter) never really looking in the game, the two’s were wasteful in front of goal with inaccurate kicking at the start of the second term costing them any chance of drawing closer on the scoreboard.

Taylors Lakes switch and run game bamboozled the slightly under done opposition, who once keyed in, looked too slow to do much about it.

B.O.G. went to none other than “Mr Versatile” Jarrod Morrison who performed in every position (make of that what you will).

Other shining lights included Shane “Duge” De Jong snagging himself a sausage roll and even kicking a major. Scotty Wright had a fair dinkum’ crack at it after receiving a call up courtesy of Benny Carland.

Joel “Did you get a load of Kane Allport’s bruise?” Brooks fought hard all day and has been consistently pushing for senior selection and it was pleasing to see Paul Morgan make a welcome return to the club.

Next week the boys will have to pull the fingers out of the proverbial, give their hands a good wash (or not) and get ready to serve it up to those cross town rivals from “Pauline” Hanson Reserve.

So get your derrière down to Ray Davies Oval to see an absolute corker as the boys have a crack at A.P.W. Eagles.

Special mention this week goes to Matty Nardello for his prompt punctuality.

For next years “Mr. KP” karaoke talent segment we suggest he give a rendition of The Ramones “I Can’t Make It On Time”.